Preamble
In Norse Mythology, Balmung or Balmunc (pronounced /ˈbɑlmʊŋ/ or /ˈbɑlmʊŋk/ in English), is the blade of Sigurd, famed hero of the Völsunga Saga associated with slaying the elder dragon Fafnir.
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Its distinctive composition, comprised of magical metal fragments of a former blade belonging to Sigmund, Sigurd’s Father. Sigmund received the sword in the hall of Völsung by being the only mortal capable of extracting the sword out of the Barnstokkr tree from which Odin has struck the sword into where no one could pull it out. The sword was shattered into fragments when Sigmund struck an enemy soldier’s spear in battle. The mysterious soldier, dressed in a wide brimmed hat and black hooded cloak, fatally pierced Sigmund with his spear. Sigmund tells Hjordis to keep the pieces of his sword for their unborn child in hopes it would one day be reforged. The sword Balmung is later reforged by Regin for Sigurd to slay the dragon Fafnir using the broken magical fragments.
The epic Völsunga Saga provides a description of Balmung and its special qualities and with it, Sigurd himself:
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“…and claim its guarded treasure, Sigurd had need for a great sword to face the serpent. Twice, Regin made Sigurd a sword, and each time the sword shattered on striking the anvil. Finally Hjordis gave her son the shards of Sigmund's broken sword. Regin forged a new blade with the shards, Sigurd call’d the sword Gram. With Gram, Sigurd cleaved the anvil in twain. Sigurd and Regin then went to Gnitaheath, the dragon’S lair the "Glittering Heath". Sigurd dug a pit and they hid in it waiting for Fafnir to emerge. When Fafnir went to drink from the water stream, Sigurd challenged the beast. The battle was brief. Sigurd wielding Gram struck swiftly and fell’d the dragon. Regin wanting the treasure for himself, told Sigurd that he would not seek revenge for felling his brother if Sigurd would cut out Fafnir'S heart and roast it for him. Sigurd agreed. As Sigurd cook’d the heart over a fire, he taested the heart to see if it was cooked, but burned his fingers from the juice (heart-blood). Sigurd instinctively put his fingers in his mouth and immediately understood the language of animals. The birds told Sigurd that Regin would betray him once he ate the heart, and take the whole treasure for himself. Sigurd killed Regin by striking off his head. Sigurd ate Fafnir's heart himself. The dragon's heart would give any man who devours the heart, with power over other men. The gift of wisdom. Among the treasure he found the sword Hrotti the Aegishjálmr and the Golden Byrnie cuirass and the cursed ring of Andvaranaut. Sigurd then left Glittering Heath and journeyed north to Hindfell.”
Philosopy
FFXIV is first and foremost only a game. We are an alliance of people with ambitions, aspirations, desires and relationships which exceed that of electronic gaming. Our somewhat obscure mythological origins should be taken as a sign of advanced education and religious literacy, not as the typical arrested development of male adolescents. We don’T live as “basement shut-ins”, nor do we abide by such nonsense among our members (see Appendix A).
Poetry, and Haiku specifically, shall at all times be considered the currency of diplomatic intrigue. Members of the S.O.B. are encouraged to extract Haiku in their travels, and to further resist exploiting weak players who nonetheless practice mighty prose.
Finally the S.O.B. is noted for its nobility and prowess and does not therefore, assault low level players due to their ineptitude. Rather we offer advice and encouragement to help you improve with everyone else.
While no statement of values could hope to be complete, we present the following as "sign posts" for a truer, bolder and coming FFXIV:
- post-secondary education levels of debate and dialogue (English please |Auto-translate – Japanese/German/French)
- intimidation, blackmail and threats are encouraged but only if sufficiently witty; let the FC enjoy your verbal barbs
- polite, entertaining and co-operative Dungeon/Fate/PvP grinding, directed not merely towards barbaric anarchy, but to the formation of lasting relationships of mutual trust or antipathy (Either will do)
- hearts of deep, black, vehement enmity for Dell Computers (And her new hand-maiden, Alienware)
- spanking AFK dungeon exploiters/trolls
- British American spelling
- use of FFXI race names. Because who the eff to remember says “rHouergaardyner, rhoagarlidan, rowurboataru-ian…” ? No, it’s Galka, bitch…
- the dood
- no language filter
- a modified British imperialism: people long once more to be treated that badly, that politely
- a responsibility to minimal realism; I.E.: We encourage you to hit that “Greed” button and take other people'S stuff. You can make greater use of that douche’S Lvl.44 Aetherial Magicked Gloves if he/she won't even co-operate with the rest of the squad (seriously dood?) - and a mutual commitment to teamwork with the lesser experienced and helping obtain their ZOMFG! Dungeaon Aetherial GearZ (allies inclined to take advantage of the latter, please reread the former)
Governance: Toward an Enlightened Federalism
The top tier of governance relies upon a classic Triumvirate, as follows:
Master and High Onion Priestess: Sugar Bunz (they’Re sweet, they’re spectacular)
Commander of all things brootal : Red Yeti (Is to Taru Puuuunt! As is to Falcon Puuuunch!)
Overseer of all things malodorous: Booski Boo (Expert wind breaker)
Governance within the S.O.B. relies on a federalist system of administration. This means that all those within the union’S fold may take part in sharing the duties, tasks and/or quests of the broader alliance, but are not bound by any obligation to join in any measure beyond that of unprovoked common defense. Such federalist governance is especially important when understanding the operations of Her Majesty's Clandestine Services, The S.S.O.B.
Articles of War
All members of the S.O.B. are committed to militaristic activities - especially – that of self-defence. However, some members are more committed to this than others: Suicidal Star Onion Brigade (hereafter S.S.O.B.)
The members of S.S.O.B. are committed to stirring up trouble, extensive dungeon pillaging (under the guidelines of Appendix C) and generally making life more interesting. These are active players, with a wide variety in of weapons in their arsenal, recognized tactical prowess and they’re much mal-adjusted personnalities in general, making them extremely volatile berserkers. They serve as the front lines of SSOB’s diplomatic and militaristic explorations. While these members are ultimatley under leadership or the High priestess' watchful eye, they may act and make war in ways that seem fit to them. The Union makes no guarantee to their protection, except in the following cases:
- unprovoked attack or assault
- bad manners and lewd hyperbolic behavioral resistance
- as individual members shall choose to assist
- as per our Master, her Majesty Sugar Bunz of the S.O.B. instructs (pursuant to Appendix C)
Rivalries and Rumors of War:
Rule of Acquisition #34: "War is good for Business"
None.
See Appendix C
Friendships or Alliances:
Rule of Acquisition #35: "Peace is good for Business”
None.
Joining la résistance
Applications can be made here in this thread.
See Appendix B
Membership By-Laws
Anyone is welcomed to join, provided they subscribe to our philosophy of purpose and intent - which is to say, very few are welcome to join. Contrary to many other alliances in the world of Balmung, the S.O.B. has no requirement for Item Level, Crafting skill nor wealth. Our strategic vision is long term and we recognize that committed players will accrue to these minor attributes given time.
Each member is immediately given the ability to recruit other people. Each newcomer is the recruiter’S responsibility. This is to ensure greater management of the free company as a whole. Additionally, the Triumvirate reserves itself the right to dispose of new recruits should they prove disappointing, (pursuant to Appendix C).
Most critical is the quality of a player's character, resolve and sheer "schtick-to-it-ness". As such, entrance into the S.O.B. is predicated upon a "Poetry Competition", (see Appendix B). Such competitions, while often devolving into fierce blood sports, serve to eliminate a crucial segment of FFXIV players from swelling our ranks, (See Appendix C).
Nevertheless at no time does membership in the Union provide license for wearing a speedo in public places. /Point <Rhoegardyn Male>.
Most Importantly we represent her Royal Oniony-ness’ principles of “Truth be sought, justice be served”. The S.O.B. was assembled to monitor the misconduct of adults and to spank their bad habits. We have satellite offices located on the Shores of Costa Del Sol resort and Buscarron’s Bar.
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Appendix A: Dood Who Takes FFXIV Way Too Seriously
When it comes to online games, a pinch of friendly coaching here, a dab of social mingling there goes a very long way for with the new players. Its keeps things interesting. But, then there are those who treat every game like a death-match against the Ultimate Warrior, turning an exciting dungeon sub-boss battle into the most excruciating hours of our lives.
It’s times like these when you need to step back, take a deep breath, and remind yourself “Dood Who Takes FFXIV Way Too Seriously” to chillax. After all, it’s a game involving fake money, virtual properties and petite kitty (g.i.r.l.)s. It’s not the end of the world if you don’t get that Foestriker Coat.
So instead of going all apeshit Christian Bale style, threatening to not participate or ESL sulking because Aiotor sacked you for not taking a half-minute to explain to other people to hang back in case of poison projectiles , how about you pull up your Depends®, temper that tantrum and line up for another go. Don’t make us crack open your “whine-hole”.
Appendix B: Edict in Poetry Competitions
Poetry marks the important seasons of life in the S.O.B., and of poetry we consider Haiku to be the highest art form. Members offer Haiku's in victory, Haiku's in defeat, and even occasional odes to “That eerie green gas emitting from my bottom”. While our poetry has been described as the fourth worst in the universe, after Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz, but what we lack in talent we make up for with enthusiasm.
New members make application via a grueling poetry competition process. Order elites will offer constructive criticism, and ultimately deliver a verdict concerning the applicant. Interested parties might find useful the following link from Wikihow: (http://www.wikihow.com/Write-a-Haiku-Poem)
Furthermore Wikipedia: (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Haiku)
“Haiku (俳句 haikai verse), plural haiku, is a form of Japanese poetry, consisting of 17 morae (or on), in three metrical phrases of 5, 7 and 5 morae respectively. Haiku typically contain a kigo, or seasonal reference, and a kireji or verbal caesura. In Japanese, haiku are traditionally printed in a single vertical line, while haiku in English usually appear in three lines, to parallel the three metrical phrases of Japanese haiku. Previously called hokku, haiku was given its current name by the Japanese writer Masaoka Shiki at the end of the 19th century.”
Appendix C: “People Who Have It Coming”
While no list of people who deserve to be Odin’s fluffer could hope to be exhaustive, we offer the following as important indicators for those of whom that will find themselves on the receiving end of a smoldering hot Ifrit Poker skewered thru their donut hole:
#1: The “Un-cooperative solo commando” dood.
Let's be honest: even one our leaders got rammed for this. We laughed, as we watched him die and sent applause with “LoLz”. That's how rad we are.
#2: The “I’m too casual to help the crew” dood
Equipment is good. Levels are great. Skills are greater. Teamwork is best. Most boss mechanics revolve around patterns and they’Re easy to learn by the 8th wipe. If your squad made the effort to explain it you, you can reciprocate positively. Stop hiding behind the trollface.
#3: ESL Compu-Speak
This is [mostly] an English server. If it wasn't, we'd be sorry. We're not. If we can't understand you, we'll "SRSLY?", "ORLY?" and "LOL" you back into the 4th Astral Era.
#4: The "I'm so sexually repressed I use lewd names" dood
We come across these all the time.
Benn Dover
Hugh Geerekshun
Phil McCracken
Mike Hawk
They need to grow up, see a therapist or get laid. Or get laid by a therapist… Oh wait...
#5 The "Continuous never-ending mouthing-off drama" dood
☠