All the games must be changed because they are mean and not fair and too hard.

[Stompa]

I have recently discovered something called "games" and despite my Mummykins telling me that games are for the dirty commoners, and far beneath the likes of us, I decided to investigate this thing called games. I have investigated the games thing for a very long time, almost a whole hour, which is more work than I've ever done before, and I have reached the following conclusions, which are the last word, final, and should be taken as demands.

Games are too hard. Games are NOT FAIR. Games are hard work. Games do not care sufficiently about MY FEELINGS, which are very important and special feelings.

Let's go through some games, and describe the wrong things and my demands for changes. Before I start, I want to be clear, these games have been around for a very long time, and they are beloved by millions of gamers worldwide, because those gamers are comfortable with the strictly stratified rules, and they enjoy the way that those games have been played for such a long time. Nonetheless, those old veteran gamers are wrong, they are old, these games must be changed, and the old veteran gamers will just have to learn to live with the new rules that I am demanding right here.


GOLF.
_____

Golf is mean and hard and not fair. The hole is clearly too small, and the hole is clearly too far away. I demand that the hole be changed to five metres in width, and the hole be placed one metre from where I'm standing.

The golf clubs and balls are too hard and heavy. What am I, a labourer? The clubs and balls need to be made out of foam, which is light and soft and doesn't hurt my little hands.

I demand that Nick Faldo plays the game for me, so I can stay at home on the sofa eating chocolates and gazing adoringly into my mirror. When Nick is finished playing, he must telephone me to congratulate me on my victory, and he must tell me ; "You are the best golf game player evahr."


CHESS.
______

Chess is clearly too hard. It is so complicated, with all the pieces, and too confrontational with the head-to-head two playeres facing each other. What about my feelings? Why is the world so mean and hard.

I demand that the Chess-board-and-pieces be changed to a plate of chocolate-glazed truffles, just like Mummykins gives me every evening at beddytime. I demand that the two players be reduced by fifty percent, to one player. I will eat the chocly trufflers and then the King of my nation will telephone me to tell me that I'm the greatest Chess game player evahr.


FFXI.
_____

Even though I only played this game for fifteen minutes, I can tell that this game is mean and too hard and not fair, all of the things. Other people who have played the game for decades, they have nice gear and skills, and play the game naturally and fluidly like it is second-nature. Those veteran players love FFXI because they liked the strictly stratified rules, game mechanics, and the work-ethic involved in long-term projects and strategies. Clearly this is all wrong, those veteran gamers are wrong, because this game is hard and mean and hurts my feelings and I deserve all the nicest best things and I deserve them right now and it is just not fair and it is too mean and I'm going to cry and then Mummykins will tell me that I'm crying because we are too good for these games things they are beneath us and games like FFXI demand that I get my hands dirty in actual fighting horrid monsters and teaming up with the commoners and I don't get all the nice things on day one which is clearly not fair and I think this game should be banned because it is not fair and my gear sucks and I worked for almost ten minutes total and I think I have a calloused blister on my little finger because I played FFXI for ten minutes and still don't have all the lovely shinies that the long-term players have got and how is that fair answer it isn't.

[Alhanelem]

Golf is mean and hard and not fair. The hole is clearly too small, and the hole is clearly too far away. I demand that the hole be changed to five metres in width, and the hole be placed one metre from where I'm standing.

That would mean you are standing in the hole. To avoid personal injury I would put the hole six meters away. >.>

(Yes, I know it's a joke!)