A Beast for the Feast

[Apie]

A decade ago, I decided to hunt the tastiest meat known. A well traveled Moogle friend named Apie, whose various adventures across many lands and realms, would surely know of the tastiest flesh.

I traveled to her Windurstian home, where I learned the tastiest meat was Gluttonous Gertrude, a notorious monster located east of the coastal town of Limsa Lominsa on an island in the continent of Eorzea. Her stubborn friend, the Orcish Dredvodd, introduced her to it, since he practically lives there. She wouldn't guide me there, for she claimed it was a doomed land.



After we parted, I searched yet found nothing on Eorzea, nor of this Dredvodd fellow. The Orcs in Ghelsba Outpost surely know him. At the central high point I came across the Warchief named Vatgit who said his bloody assistant Vrukwuk keeps a list of every Orc in Vana'diel, however, he's elusive and can never be found. So I waited...and waited...and waited...until he appeared. I approached him and asked to see his list. He struck me with his staff, exclaiming he was tired of being confused with Vatgit's other assistant Mozzfuzz, the actual keeper of the list. Vrukwuk couldn't take me to Mozzfuzz, for where there is one, the other is not. He stated that Mozzfuzz is known to frequent the tent near the entrance to Fort Ghelsba.



There I found the fogweaver who was removing Warder Footsoldier from the list since he was leaving Vana'diel, never to return. Once they finished, I asked the weaver of fogs about Dredvodd. He said not much is known, but he's been seen, more than once, on the Phanauet Channel barge.



I rode that barge for over 9 years, then to my surprise, an Orc jumped aboard. He wanted to battle, I pleaded no, he wouldn't listen, he was being so stubborn, he had to be Dredvodd. Upon my victory he explained that Eorzea is on a planet named Hydaelyn. He advised against going there because Bahamut exploded out of their red moon, which was supposed to crash onto Hydaelyn, and started attacking everything. He plans to return to Eorzea in 5 years to see how things are.



The tastiest meat in Vana'diel Dredvodd had ever devoured was a deadly dodo that appears in Sauromugue Champaign to avenge the death of Tabar Beaks. After thanking him, he rewarded me a belt with 96 Tathlums for besting him. He spotted me eyeing his wonderous pair of boots and said, "Boots for Dredvodd...next battle me lose...maybe me give...maybe..." He laughed and jumped off the barge.



After countless slain Tabar Beaks, the dodo appeared and lived up to his reputation, for the battle nearly ended my life. 'Twas worth it, the meat resembled M&P Chicken, but tasted better than Diatryma minus it's infamous awful smell. It took nearly ten years to learn of the tastiest meat and I regret nothing...well, maybe I do regret spending over 9 years on a barge looking for that damn Orc...

[Cheweh]

I set out with my faithful companion Carbuncle in search of a beast for the feast.. "I can't believe dearest wants raptor for our feast! These things will tear us to shreds! What ever shall we do Carbuncle?!" Then, as we were hiding in the bushes we smell something yummy lingering in the air.



We followed the scent that lead us to a goblin cooking what smelt like barbecued raptor! We hid behind some rocks and decided to wait until he fell asleep to steal the goblin's feast. "This most certainly will please dearest!" I whispered to Carbuncle.


"Quick Carbunle he's asleep! let's grab it!"


Carbuncle and I come home to dearest and present to her, her raptor feast. We tell her a tale of how we slayed the vicious beast with our bear hands!



She samples the meat and cries "Blaahhh!!! This tastes like it's been seasoned by a goblin with mushrooms, heavy salt, and newts!"

[Economizer]

Rarabs... The giant beastarus that have long terrorized the Tarutaru since the beginning of time. There is no creature more insidious nor more evil, yetaru none as tasty.



There are many Tarutaru tales-wails that speak of rarabs delivering letters and repaying past kindnesses, but these are legends changed with time to hide the horrible-worrible truth. Rarab is an ancient Tarutaru word literally meaning "the bringer". But a literal translation of the ancient word misses the nuance that is implied, "the bringer" of destruction. Of course, this is why they "destroy" the old year at New Year's celebrations with their destructive, crushing hopping.

But perhapsy you are not convinced. Ask yourself, when Maat moonlights as a Beastmaster, which pet does he use? The legendary Mithran Tracker Shikaree X's pet is what?

And long ago when the Tarutaru subjugated the proud Elvaan, how did the Elvaan breaky-shakey free? They raised an army of rarabs! (Did you know that Ronfaure means rarab hole?) Although if you ask them, they'll just talk about how Ronfaure has a rabbit and hair infestation. What's a rabbit? And whataru does hair have to do with anything?

Perhaps I ramble-wamble.

There is no creature more fierce then a rarab. But among rarabs there is one that is the most strongest, meanest, biggestaru of them all - the Giant Rarab.

Common rarabs tower over a Tarutaru, but the Giant Rarab is even larger. The Giant Rarab causes earthquakes with a single bound, and can leap lakes and mountains. And it has but one goal - to bring the destruction of Jeuno.

I fought its minions looking to haltaru my progress in tracking it.



Hoping to stop it before it got to Jeuno, I found its large footprints.



Obviously, the only thing that could have left these would be the Giant Rarab itself.

However, I failed to stop it in timey-wimey! It hipped and it hopped all over Jeuno.



Fighting valiantly-gallantly, I struggled against the mightaru of the Giant Rarab.

When I finally engaged it, I stood in awe of how big it was! But I knew what had to be done.



After saving Jeuno single-handedly, I lugged-tugged the Giant Rarab over to M&P's Market, where surprisingly they had a potaru big enough to cook the whole thing, although they laughed at the idea of it being able to destroy Jeuno ("Not that big"?!). Sneaking some, I can tell you that the thoroughly tenderized rarab meat makes any dish taste great with a nice kick of victory.

Seriously, did you see that thing? It was giantaru!

[Tamarsamar]

One day I was strolling about Kazham, when I noticed the native Mithra preparing for a festival. I approached the Chieftaness to ask what the occasion was.



Turns out, a tribal holiday was approaching: a day marking the brave feats of an elite team of huntresses many ages before who slayed a giant legendary beast and saved the entire tribe from famine.

I asked if I could join in the festivities on the off chance that I may add another holiday to my experiences, and to my surprise the answer was yes! . . . on the condition that I brought something from my home land that could satisfy one course for the entire tribe. A Hurculean task, to be sure, but I remember something from my earlier days of adventuring that made the ground shake under even my taller Elvaan compatriots' feet.



I wonder how the Mithra of Kazham would enjoy feasting on Mutton?

To preserve the meat, I ensorcelled my dagger with something that would give the ram an ice surprise . . .





The beast went down faster than you could say "BAAAA!" I quickly shoved the thing in my Gobbiebag (this thing has held half the contents of my Mog House before; a ram should be a trifle by comparison), used a Scroll of Instant Warp to return to Jeuno, got funny looks by customs officers, and eventually made my way back to Kazham. You should've seen the look on the Chieftaness's face! (Unfortunately, my camera fingers were too slow . . .)

We made quick work eviscerating the beast, and prepared a sample meal. She ended up surprisingly fond of the haggis we prepared!



The feast went on all day and all night, other huntresses contributing their own prizes to the meals. It then went on for quite a few more days and more nights, even long after the ram had been reduced to naught but skin and bones. Turns out the legendary beast that saved the tribe was defeated by the huntresses by them waiting for it to fall asleep . . . and was able to go without sleep for up to a fortnight . . .

[Lethalia]

BBQ Behemoth Beastkabobs

"Bring home the Behemoth?" Yooou got it! Comin' right up!

Nothin' says good eats like a tender portion'a savory shank, Southern (San d'Oria) style! My twist on this delicacy is perfect fer adventures 'n roastin' by the campfire on a chilly Thanksgivin' evenin'. BBQ Behemoth Beastkabobs are generous chunks'a tenderized savory shank marinated 'n slathered in mah secret spicy BBQ sauce, skewered with wild onions 'n Kazham peppers 'n paired deliciously with roasted sausage over the fire. Enjoy a cup'a hot chocomilk, cuddle up with yer sweetie 'n feast on mah backwoods BBQ Behemoth Beastkabobs! 'Cause us adventurers dun need none'a them fancy forks!

Now we jus' needs ourselves a beast. Hm...
Best way ta catch big meat, is with big meat. This beastly shank oughta do it.
A beastly shank fer a beastly spank! Ahahaha!

To the den~!
(Wish I'da known mah lure meat would attract all the critters along the way... d'oh!)

Ah, there's a good 'un for the eatin', let's get 'im!

No better way ta tenderize yer meat than ta pulverize it with a large space rock plummetin' at the speed'a sound...

Thank you Altana fer this kill, blahblahblah... TIME TA HACK 'IM UP!

Cuddled with mah sweetie, tellin' stories and feastin' on the meats.

...Ahh! Orc stole mah bob! /fume

'N fer those'a us watchin' our waistlines this year...

Hahaha! /em strums her banjo. Enjoy, folks!

[Rosalie]

My hunt began with the lesser beasts of the plateau:



Many had to be culled from the herd before the bait was fresh enough for their lord.



Finally, I was able to lure him out:



Thomas put up quite a struggle, but he makes quite a sumptuous stew with his marbled mutton chops! He also makes the ideal meat since he's large enough to feed an entire alliance, and everyone (but vegetarians) loves marbled meat!

[Camate]

Thanks for all the awesome entries! We will be announcing the winners early next week after the Community Team has selected the winning entries.

[Luthian]

Behold! The Dark Rider!
Upon successful capture of the Rider, I was able to prepare him thus;
Bound and tied like a succulent rack of lamb. (All equipment was kept and will be given out at the Starlight Celebration!)
*Chef's Note* This delicious meal might taste a little like horse meat, but rest assured this equine is exquisite! ENJOY!