The Cask of Converging Pumpkins
For I can not cast doubt on my fellow becuase in the era of the 6th umrbal, time it's self laid waste to many a great adventures. We ventured on, many had come and gone but our sporting friendship had become our anchor and my doom. You, who knows the nature of competitors will undoubtly excuse my behaviour being a famous crafter when I procured the special magicial pumpkin potion rumored to behold properties unlike anyting in all the three nations. A deal was struck with a shady traveler for practically an armys worth of linens and wool garbs over many cycles of harverst moon's whence he would return to trade his pumpkins.
Humble Measure took note of the super fine luster of my blue tipped tail due to my improved purse and being an adaptive hume to suit the time and opportunity took upon herself to play a trick on me. For a shady traveler was offerering a transmorgifying tonic made from pumpkin juice that would temporarily make one into a pumpkin. Ha! Yes indeed for he offered only that she give it to none other then Thelonious, me becuase some how a rumor had broke out that I was juicing Ul'dah orge pumpkins and who does that. This will be hilarious!
So in a dream like state I woke up and rolled to the Gridanian Mercantile House to sell my goods. Only the horror, the horror of that day drove me to haste to Lominsan Mercantile House where again no matter how low I set the prices I was forced to head to Ul'dah early only to relize to my utter dismay....nothing had sold in my bazaar.
No one knew I had struck a deal with a Garlean. That I was consuming vast amounts of there secret elixir. I never knew my fellow had made the same aquaintence a year later. I never knew Humble had replaced one of my pumpkin tonics. No one ever never knew I was going to stay a pumpkin. Now a year past and no one knows where the famous crafter has gone.
Being one to never let myself down I made this situation a relic of the past and now I had a new achievement to come. Being born an Ul'dahian it was now clear I was going to become the greatest pumpkin anyone had ever seen. So without hesitation I headed out to the Coffer and Coffin and planted myself right in the patch. Now the secret lies with me that Ul'dah orge pumpkins will be imbued with a crafting grace like that of which the twelve gods have never seen! Ha! who has the last laugh now?!?!?
Screaming Bertram Hackett
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The rider looked tired while approaching the camp. A smile grew on her face as she watched mulled tea and bread passed around the campsite. The campfire illuminated her face, Mariku Jatariku, a Lalafell yelled, "Here kitty-kitty, join us!" She laughed and sat near the fire and filled her belly and warmed her bones.
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Jatariku poked her side and said, "Friis, tell us a story that would make Menphina blush!" "Not tonight. How about 'Screaming Berrrtram Hackett?'"
"There was a Hyur named Bertram Hackett. He was a Midlander with coolest of nerves. He made gil debunking ghost stories. He grew tired of never finding anything to give him a fright. He was drinking one night when a fellow Hyur tapped him on the shoulder.
"Hackett?" he gasped. Hackett nodded as he pulled apart his flatbread. "Me name is Fenner, Gavril Fenner. I work at a castle in northern La Noscea. It's haunted by a fiendish ghoul!"
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Hackett smiled as his eyebrows raised, "Explain," going through the same routine again, he thought. "The ghoul screams at all hours of the night, breaks the valuable artifacts of me master and I get blamed fer it all! Me pockets can't cover the price of such things and me sanity is damn near lost!" Hackett nodded, "Give me the exact location and I'll be there tomorrow. After the sun sets." Fenner clutched his hand and shook it with such enthusiasm that Hackett's whole body shook.
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Hackett arrived at the castle and Fenner greeted him, "Thanks, Hackett. Ye can't believe how much this means to me and the staff. Luckily, me master and his family is out fer the night, er else he wouldn't of agreed to such a thing!" Hackett nodded his head, "Please make sure everyone is outside during the examination."
Hackett entered the castle. His heart wasn't in it anymore. He knew the destruction and chaos was probably being caused by something utterly boring and mundane.
Hackett began his journey through the living room, running his fingers over the velvet material of the couch. "Any ghouls in here?" Nothing.
He inspected the immaculately kept kitchen. The dishes shined brightly and he caught his reflection. "An old wash up," he whispered. "Any ghouls in here?" The door creaked. He turned towards it, waiting for something, but- nothing.
He then moved to the candlelit corridors to the bedrooms. The bedroom was pink. A cotton bear sat on the edge of the bed near dodo-down stuffed pillows. "Any ghouls in here?" The bear fell to the ground. He walked over to the bear and put it back onto the bed. "Make it move again." Nothing.
Hackett moved to the second room. The blankets were blue and there were wooden swords on the table. He grabbed the swords and ran his fingers along the smooth blade. "Any ghouls in here?" Nothing.
Hackett moved to the last bedroom. There were bottles of perfume and trinkets on a dresser across from the bed. He grabbed a perfume and took a whiff, then sniffed out with disgust. "Any ghouls in here?" Nothing.
"There's never anything to be frightened of," said Hackett. A perfume bottle fell off the dresser and shattered. It was pungent and instantly began to make his head ping with pain.
"Just fake ghouls created by childish minds. By the Twelve, if you are real, all you can do is knock over perfume! You're nothing to be afraid of!" At that very moment, he felt something slam into him, which made him fall to the ground, followed by a blast of cold air against his legs. Hackett saw no one around and let out a scream. He began to run back to the exit of the castle where the staff members were waiting.
As he ran, he looked down and noticed his pants had been ripped clean off of his legs. He then heard a deep, devilish laugh, "An old wash up. HA! Any ghouls in here?" Laughter from hundreds of ghouls began emanating from all rooms. As he cleared the front door, the staff's eyes grew wide with terror, Hackett kept screaming, "GHOULS!"
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And that, darrrrlings, was the last they ever saw Screaming Berrrtram Hackett."